I am glad someone has finally demonstrated a mathematical proof of MILFness, which means something different in this specialized context from its real-life equivalent (as many scientific terms do). In your own life, you might run across a woman and think to yourself ?Wow! That woman accompanying a child is very appealing! I am considerably ?

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I am glad someone has finally demonstrated a mathematical proof of MILFness, which means something different in this specialized context from its real-life equivalent (as many scientific terms do). In your own life, you might run across a woman and think to yourself “Wow! That woman accompanying a child is very appealing! I am considerably more attracted to her than I would have thought, given that she appears to be much older than I am!? or maybe ?I am feeling some very inappropriate impulses vis-a-vis my best friend’s mother, with whom I ? surprisingly ? want to have sex!? and there you have the common man’s MILF. The porn MILF is a different creature, though, unconstrained by expectations of age, motherhood, or relation. And the ?Prime MILF?? Rarefied, precise, archetypal. The Prime MILF, as defined here, is 5’3?, has nicely augmented 34D tits, shoulder length straight raven-black hair, and is divisible only by herself and one cock.

Romi Rain and James Deen have been left alone at the house; her boyfriend ? James’ dad ? has left her to consort with James, who has been told in no uncertain terms to get a job or move out. They commiserate about what a jerk Dad is, and then they do what any two people would do in similar circumstances: incest. Well, step-incest. Step-incest once removed, I guess. James, of course, is 28, and Romi is 26, which means he really should have a job, and so should she, the gold-digging tramp. Instead of thinking about their options, though, they just complain to each other until they realize that their mouths could be better employed, and they start doing their best to devour each other. James has clearly had his eye on her for a while, because he goes right for the best parts — her round ass, her preternaturally firm and buoyant tits, and her deep and abiding pussy, which is of course shaved. The two of them make a lot of noise fucking in nearly every position two healthy people of an age can get into on a couch, and finish up with the traditional facial.

Romi alone among the four Prime MILFs here breaks the mold by being, inexplicably, 5’8?. As for the rest of them, if you needed to ship Kendra Lust somewhere via train or boat and built a special foam packing case to put her in to make sure she would arrive absolutely undamaged with not so much as the tiniest dent in any of her curves, the person you mailed her to would be able to send back Ava Addams or Veronica Avluv in exactly the same crate without having to make any adjustments. If you like women who look exactly the same as the last woman you saw, you could put this movie on a continuous loop and drool your way to oblivion as the tan brunettes wheeled past in a perfect, dreamy parade. I am surprised Vivid hasn’t tried to market them as triplets.

Kendra Lust is taking a shower when Seth Gamble, as young men will do given the slightest opportunity, steals her panties and uses them to fuel his masturbation in a conveniently visible spot, no doubt knowing what will come next. Kendra is concerned, as any very slightly older woman would be, that the guy who lives in the same house as she does should know how to handle a real woman; this is a problem, she says, and shows him her wet, hot solution. It turns out the masturbation isn’t that much of a problem, because Seth knows how to handle a woman after all ? gently at first, and with respect and a touch of humility, until the time comes to really bounce her off the walls and unload the troops on her face.

Ava Addams, like all MILFs will, is sunning herself by the pool; when Bill Bailey comes by to find out where his girlfriend is ? only to discover that she is nowhere to be found ? she seizes the opportunity to tell him that her daughter is a faithless wretch and doesn’t deserve a man like him, a man who will happily apply oil to the body of a woman who needs it, a good kisser, a man with a big hard cock. What else could a girl want? Bill, knowing a good things’s mom when he sees one, takes her inside where she won’t get all leathery from the sun and shows her how much he appreciates her compliments. He appreciates her for a good twenty minutes in missionary, cowgirl, and RCG, considerately fucking her ass the whole time, at the end of which he appreciates all over her face.

I don’t know why Veronica Avluv is doing her chores in hose and improbable heels and lingerie. She started out in a bathrobe, and there was some conversation with Chad Alva in the kitchen, but I got distracted when I found a cookie at my desk, and I could have gone back to check what it was about, but I was that much closer to seeing Veronica naked, and then all of a sudden she was vacuuming in her lingerie and I was all like wait, what? but then I was all like whatever, because really, there is no good reason that makes much sense. Nobody vacuums in heels like that unless she wants someone to watch and maybe wait for her to bend over to check the bag. And she’s not even a good vacuumist ? she goes over the same spot like fifty times, and it’s already clean. Chad knows he’s been spotted, and he comes in to whisk her away from the drudgery, just as we knew he would, and she and her independently-minded boobs succumb to his charms and his penis, which he deploys as though he has been porking MILFs for years. He knows exactly what to do (fuck her) and which holes to do it in (all of them, and some places that are not strictly holes), and he makes her scream, moan, and groan until she gets what every MILF knows is her ultimate destiny ? I believe Dylan Thomas would have called it a blathering across the face.

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About P. Weasels

 

P. Weasels has been working in various aspects of the porn industry since 1997, and has been a fan since 1975. He has also worked in the videogame and comic-book industries. In his spare time, he performs as a storyteller at various events in the San Francisco Bay Area and looks for things to do in the San Francisco Bay Area that will make for good stories. He has written for Gamelink, Kink.com, and the San Francisco Chronicle, and wishes he had spent more time playing baseball as a kid, because he thinks he would have made a good catcher. Email if you want to hear his idea about a great escort agency.