‘Sexual Fidelity’: Wicked Romance Strikes Again
It’s been a while since I got to review a Wicked movie, and even longer since I saw one that didn’t have Stormy Daniels or Brandi Love in it. Don’t get me wrong – Brad Armstrong makes for some familiar ground, but the times they are a-changing’. Sexual Fidelity may remind you of a number of other recent Wicked productions, in which older people – people your age, probably – are having midlife crises and rediscovering (or discovering, for that matter) their sexuality, but it is a tried and true formula for a reason; even if it doesn’t have Brandi Love in it, it’s still a fun story (a story I will leave it to you to explore).
A podcast speculating about how often women initiate sex leads us to an anniversary bang between the Wickedly blonde and busty Kenzie Taylor and her husband Stirling Cooper, for whom she has prepared a rose-petalled bower of fuckitude in which he can take advantage of a set of tits that are surely underestimated at 36D and of her hungry mouth. For her part, she gets his a solid licking and then his big dick in mouth and pussy, followed by a romantic load on the face.
There’s some emotional stuff that the movie mostly skips over while still leaving you with the impression that something momentous has happened, followed by a one-last-hurrah scene in which Casey Calvert, deliciously raven-haired and melancholy, asks Brad Armstrong if he’s up for one last good memory before they split up. As he points out, he’s a man, so yes, of course he is, and if the chemitry they display in their farewelll fuck is anything to go by, they’ll both do well on the singles market.
There’s some more exposition, during which Wicked stretches the bounds of credulity by having characters call Seth Gamble “Doctor,” and then there’s some pat pop-psych relationship advice, and then Seth Gamble bones a stalker, the nubile and annoying (to Seth) Harmony Wonder, a sultry little piece who won’t take no for an answer and gets down on Seth’s dick while he’s still trying to figure out how to get his house key back. Seth, being a man like any other, rises to the challenge while sinking to her level and fucks her in his kitchen, eventually delivering the facial that girlfriends and stalkers get in the end.
As Casey and her engineer, Jessie Lee, discuss the show, their dating lives, and the future, we learn that Jessie took some of Doctor Seth’s dating advice and fucked her yoga instructor, played to hilarious woo-woo perfection by Jay Smooth, who talks chakras and third eyes until he ends up in Jessie’s yoga pants. Jessie is a dark tattooed hottie who reminds me of the model from New Girl and makes me think maybe I’ll try that shit sometime. At the very least, girls love comedy, so it ought to work. It turns out yoga teachers come on your tits, not on your face. I guess it cleanses the boob chakras.
As is standard in this kind of thing, Seth Gamble and Casey Calvert end up together – he’s so smart, and she’s so pretty; how could it end otherwise? – and a hilariously half-assed exposition scene turns into a heart-to-heart that brings the couple to the point of fucking, but “Hey, do you want to get out of here?” turns into “Good night,” and we have to wait through another date and some more talking before “Hey, do you want to get out of here?” turns into “Lie down, I’m going to fuck you.” When it does, though, things go fast, and when Casey’s in charge, Seth does what she says. Turns out she likes it on the tits too.
