Tattoo You, and You, and You: Reflections on a Life Well Spent
You might or might not have woken up next to a startlingly hot girl with purple hair, perfect tits and a set of enchanting tattoos today, but now that I’ve brought it up, don’t you wish you had? Now, I’m not saying I did, but I’m not saying I didn’t either. I’m just saying that if you grew up at a time when everyone else had a poster of Farrah Fawcett on his wall but you really had a jones for Siouxsie Sioux, or when everybody else liked Blair, but you really knew you were a Jo man, or if you knew you’d much rather have detention with Ally Sheedy than Molly Ringwald, and you find yourself looking across a pillow at someone who would have been the tough girl kicking Meg Ryan’s ass…well, you can go ahead and think to yourself that at least some of your choices in life have been righteous and true.
If, on the other hand, you didn’t wake up like that and you wish you had, well, here are some porn stars you might want to take a look at on your way to making some changes in your life. Remember, nobody can shame you for wanting to fuck Cruella DeVille except yourself.
Joanna Angel
There is no star in porn – or anywhere – who has done more than Joanna Angel to bring gorgeous tattooed, pierced, and altered girls to my attention. I know she didn’t do it just for me, but still, I’m OK pretending she’s a close personal friend who just wants me to be happy.
This is not the best picture ever of Krissie Dee – she looks wholesome and innocent and kind of unremarkable, except for being pretty. She is, however, a tiny tattooed demon, and I strongly recommend you go look at her movies and check out the side she’s not showing here.
Bonnie Rotten
Bonnie Rotten is sleek and predatory and extreme, in the best sense of all those words. She burst on the porn scene with a kickass gangbang movie, but even before she got into XXX, she won the Ms. Dead Indiana Beauty Pageant. How can you not love that?
Jandi Lin
Jandi Lin combines what shitty writers like to refer to as the mystery of the East with a distinctly alt look, and although her time in porn didn’t last long, she left behind enough movies to last us a while, and fond memories of a back tattoo that would compete seriously with her face in determining whether you’d want to spend your time behind her or in front.
Christy Mack
Christy Mack is more attitude than tattoo, but you can’t discount that partially (and sometimes completely) shaved head as part of her appeal. Like Bonnie Rotten, Christy looked like she’d as soon spit on you as fuck you, but in a way that made you think that might be kind of fun.
Sydnee Vicious
Some girls have the hair, some girls have the piercings, some girls have the tats, and some girls…well, some girls are Sydnee Vicious, and her ilk. God help me, but I love her ilk. If I saw her on my morning commute, I wouldn’t hit on her, because I’m not an asshole, but I would spend the whole day wishing I’d been able to think of a way to start a conversation.
Anna Bell Peaks
Anna Bell Peaks is one of a group of women who look like they’ve constructed themselves specifically to function as sex toys for your personal delectation. I know, you know, we all know, they’re much more than that, but we can still pretend a little.
Taurus
Just look at how goddamn sassy she is. Saucy, hipshot, challenging you to be cool anough. Go ahead, she dares you.
Bella Bellz
I mean, tits, tats, legs for days, and that haircut that’s equal parts Janelle Monae from “Tightrope” and Wilma Flintstone. And that ass. You can’t see it in this picture, but trust me, it’s like (as Jerry said) Jell-O on springs.
Leigh Raven
Leigh Raven’s got a lot going on. Watch pretty much any one of her scenes and you’ll walk – or hobble – away realizing she’s tougher at taking it than you could be at dishing it out. and she’s pretty complex. Watch “Prove Something” and tell me that’s not Leigh Raven offering you her goddamn soul.
