Justice League XXX: Getting a Jump on the Competition

Justice League XXX: The Heroes you Need

I don’t know if it’s a sad fact of modern life or an awesome thing about modern life that Justice League XXX, Axel Braun’s parody of the fifth installment in the DC Extended Universe, is not only coming out a month and a half in advance of its inspiration, but is almost certainly going to be at least as enjoyable. When it comes to comic-book parody, Axel Braun, working with the resources of Wicked Pictures, is unsurpassed, and if for some reason, after the disastrous clusterfucks that were Suicide Squad, Batman v. Superman, and every Superman movie since (and I am being extremely kind here) 1980, you are still holding out hope for DC movies, well, here is a decent porn Justice League to tide you over until you find out if Aquaman is worth waiting for (see what I did there?). Speaking of ‘worth waiting for,’ there’s a Trump joke at the end.

I don’t know if Green Lantern/Wonder Woman was the sex pairing you were waiting on, but it’s the one you get in the first scene of Justice League XXX, with Romi Rain (after a brief boxing and teasing make out scene with Lefty Dana Vespoli in a tragically brief non-sex cameo) taking on the ever-reliable Xander Corvus in what turns out to be Hal Jordan’s interview for membership in the Justice League. And frankly, if that’s how members are recruited, there’s going to be a long line of applicants. If you like Romi’s type, and you probably do, you’ll like her full-bodied, aggressive Wonder Woman and the way she dominates Jordan. Big fake tits, a capacious and hungry ass, and cocksucking to die for.

I don’t know if you know who Knockout is, but she’s on a mission from Darkside to recruit Superman (as usual, Ryan Driller) to her master’s cause, but the last son of Krypton has retired and claims he doesn’t really care what happens to the Earth any more; he’s living on a farm and drinking Kryptonite tea in order to damp down his powers and allow him to forget his responsibilities. Nothing’s going to pry him loose from that farm. Well, except maybe a horny redhead with really nice tits. Jessa Rhodes is exactly what the doctor ordered. Darkside knew what he was doing when he sent her to get Supes out of his funk, but even with the lure of a Fury stirring his super juices, he still finds hiding out with Lana Lang (Lena Paul) more appealing.

I don’t know if you could come up with a plan to kick Superman out of his torpor, but Wonder Woman and Batman (Giovanni Francesco) aren’t doing that great a job either, and it doesn’t seem like there’s much to be done. While WW looks around for other solutions, we’re treated to an exposition argument between a drunken and Kryptonite-neutered Kal-El and his childhood girlfriend Lana, who really thinks he should get off his ass and start saving the Earth again. As long as he’s not doing it, though, someone has to, and Batwoman (Charlotte Stokely) might be the one to help out. Wonder Woman heads out the recruit her in the usual way, which in this case manifests as a leather-and-latex-clad lesbian slurpfest at a crime scene when the Princess catches up with the Batwoman.

So Far So Good. As Expected, Justice League XXX is pretty Kick-Ass

I don’t know if you knew that Lex Luthor (Derrick Pierce) used to be the President, but you might need a refresher, so you’ll definitely need to watch all of the interview segment with Cat Grant (Jessica Drake) in which he defends himself against charges of being Lex Luthor and fires off some counter allegations, challenging the TV host to do some investigation of his enemies. You’ll also enjoy the scene afterward, in which the two of them get involved in a hot threesome with Lex’s assistant Mercy Graves (Katrina Jade). Nobody says anything about conflicts of interest, but the way Cat gets trapped between Luthor’s cock and Mercy’s mouth certainly looks like a startling misprision, given the power of the press. TV stars are attention whores, though, and it’s not surprising at all that Cat Grant will do anything for a man who can get her better ratings.

I don’t know if you made it past all that without exhausting yourself, but if you did, you’re in for a treat in the final fuck scene of the movie, in which after a little actually-kind-of-funny comic relief with Barry Allen (Tyler Nixon) and Hal Jordan comparing powers and costumes, the Wonder Woman/Batman fuck you thought you’d never see gets interrupted, no, more joined, by the Flash and Green Lantern. Wonder Woman proves herself a real Amazon warrior by defeating in sex battle the cocks of Earth’s mightiest superheroes, and also Batman. Keep in mind Batman is a hero, not a superhero. Nothing’s going to stop her from wearing them out, and she gets fucked by all of them and then takes three facials.