Slythering in the Back Gryffindor: Your Hogwarts Perfect Prefects

Everywhere you go on the internet, assuming you go places on it, you find quizzes to help you define yourself – your Sex and the City girl, your Wu-Tang name, your Peanuts character – and you take them, don’t you? We do. And then we post them on Facebook, or Twitter, and we hope to find out what we have in common with our friends, or at least how disappointed we can be in them when they turn out to be a slutty Samantha instead of a (slightly) more respectable Miranda. Some of the quizzes, though, are more appealing than others; it’s possible that by some insane twist of fate, you could end up in the Wu Tang Clan, for instance – Cappadonna got in, right? why can’t you? – but short of a shift in the basic laws of reality, you’re never going to end up at Hogwarts trying on the Sorting Hat. Neither are any of these porn stars, but that hasn’t stopped us from speculating.

Oh, and yes, we know that these women, all being Americans, would end up at Ilvermorny and not Hogwarts at all. But the Ilvermorny houses share similar aesthetics and values with their Hogwarts counterparts, so you can just put that back in your pocket, nerd.

1. Joanna Angel

Raven claw is the Hogwarts house where the funny people end up (its American equivalent is the Horned Serpent). The Sorting Hat (or that Gordian knot on the floor at Ilvermorny) sends you to Raven claw if you’re witty, quick, and smart, and – as we never tire of saying here – there’s nobody like Joanna Angel in porn for wit and cleverness. She’s also got the self-confidence for Raven claw, but she doesn’t seem to fall prey to a Raven claw’s greatest potential flaws, snobbery and an ivory-tower smugness; maybe her porn career has made her more of a realist than you might think, given her BA in Literature from Rutgers. She’s no Gilderoy Lockhart!

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2. Nina Hartley

It might not be the kindest thing to say, but Hufflepuff (Pukwudgie stateside) probably produces the highest percentage of middle managers and civil servants of all the houses at Hogwarts. Not to say they’re boring, but they’re the people who keep the lights on, stop the ice cream from melting, make sure inventory always matches up. Hufflepuff favors hard work, dedication, and fair play, so we can’t think of a better representative of the ‘puffs than Nina Hartley – America’s Slutty Mom – who has spent the last thirty-plus years doggedly working for sexual freedom, equality and fairness. On the other hand, Nymphadora Tonks came out of Hufflepuff, so you never know. Still waters run kinky..

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3. Mona Wales

Slytherin gets a bad rap because wizards who go bad ALWAYS come from Slytherin (no word on how its American counterpart Thunderbird rates on the “disastrously evil graduates” scale), but that kind of thing is the price of doing business when you sort for ambition, intelligence and cunning. You can’t blame the house itself any more than you can blame Yale for turning out the odd evil president here and there. Anyway, the delightfully wicked Mona Wales is our choice to represent Slytherin (at whatever event Hogwarts porn stars compete in). She’s got more schemes going than a magic-powered scheming machine, and we expect big things from her. If Dolores Umbridge had roomed with Mona at school, she’d have been a different woman.

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4. Bonnie Rotten

143969 Because Harry Potter and all his goddamn goody-two-shoes friends are so upstanding and righteous and pure of heart, we think of Gryffindor as the house where the good kids go, but the truth is that what Gryffindor really looks for is bravery, daring and nerve. We’re betting that Harry, Hermione, and their pals had some compatriots at school who were just as daring but not quite as wrapped up in politics and social activism, and those are the kids who’ll try anything. We’re betting, in fact, that somewhere in Gryffindor (or Wampus if you’re a Yank), when the Death Eaters aren’t climbing in the windows and coming down the fucking chimneys, there’s someone very like Bonnie Rotten, masturbating with the biggest wand she can find and trying to figure out how to use a Pensieve to watch porn. If Celestina Warbeck can become a star, there’s room for all kinds of entertainers to make it big!

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Val Williams

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