Angelina Valentine Is the Hottest Mess in Your House

Porn star interview with Angelina Valentine

By: Gram Ponante |

You forgive Angelina Valentine everything the moment she shows up. She’s three hours late, but there’s a story of crashes and two speeding tickets and an Astro Van, and … it doesn’t matter now. Nothing matters. She’s here, she smells like the stripper pole of a crowded girls’ dorm, she’s busting out of her dress (you wonder how she made it up the stairs), and for the 30 minutes you’re both in the room until you have to rush — reluctantly — to the other side of town (because there’s no way you’d be able to get away with being late), she’s all yours.

Born in Kentucky, the 5’3″ Valentine somehow looks a foot taller in 6″ heels. It is hard to imagine her growing up on a farm, but I believe everything she says. “I knew I was the shit in first grade,” she says. “I had four boyfriends. We were holding hands. They were giving me Jell-O.” Valentine has undergone a transformation in the past few years. Always fiercely glamorous, now her lips are bigger and her tattoos have crept to her face, which is ringed with bats.

She describes herself as a geisha and says the gardening help at her home always try to catch her naked, and often do. “How do you think I hang my laundry?” she says. “Naked. And I brine my fucking pickles naked, too.” She has a body that is machine-crafted for sex. She could not go to Ralph’s supermarket in sweatpants (well, she could, but Ralph itself would get a boner), and when she brushes against me in the living room, I feel like there’s an asshole DJ somewhere who’s going to stop the song any second.

I tell her that there are a few parts to the interview, and we’re not ready for pictures yet. She mock-pouts (her lips look like they can swallow most of me when she does this) and says she wants to get naked now. I want to oblige her. I want to give her my car keys (maybe not my car keys, but something). I say, “You’re the type of women who I’d invite to ruin my life.” She says, “It took me a minute, but I’m comfortable who I am. I love everybody, but I also don’t give a fuck. I’m wilder off-camera, I think, than I am when I’m on.

People ask me how I fake an orgasm. I say, ‘Motherfucker, I go to work to get orgasms and I don’t leave without one.’ “I plucked my own chickens,” she is saying. “I love everyone. I’m humble.” Valentine’s porn scenes reflect this worldview. When you watch one of her scenes, remember that she can pluck a chicken and that she was impatient to get naked. This is the type of woman you want in your pornography. She gleefully plots a racy video interlude for your pleasure.

A little dog crawls over her, and she throws her head back and laughs. Later we retire to the bathroom where she strips, squats in the tub, and shaves her legs. She gets shaving cream on my jacket. It’s still there when I show up at my next appointment an hour later. I want to tell people how it got there, but they’d be jealous.

About Gram Ponante

The editor of Naked Truth, Gram Ponante has been writing about pornography since 2002, though he never expected to get more than three months of material out of it. Since then, he has edited adult industry trade magazines AVN and XBiz (where he is still a contributor), Hustler, Fleshbot.com, and dozens more classy publications. He has contributed to the great Gamelink since 2006. Gram regularly speaks about issues facing the adult industry ? both entertaining and grim ? at colleges and conferences, and has published several popular eBooks about his time as America’s Beloved Porn Journalist.