Movie Review: Game of Bones

There are parodies that are serious takes on their subject matter, played straight, or loving homages to a childhood standard, and there are half-assed crapfests that just throw a pun on the boxcover and leave it at that. Game of Bones Zero Tolerance) is a third thing: definitely a cashing in, but just as much a fond nod to something that the director and probably a lot of the actors really enjoy. The cast is not composed of top-drawer actors, but it is definitely rich in people with a sense of humor who don’t feel like goofing off is below their dignity. Dana DeArmond and the always shameless, always delightful Tommy Pistol in particular make this a really fun movie to watch; with enough in-jokes to satisfy fans of the show but not so many as to put off someone who hasn’t seen it at all, Game of Bones is definitely a must-see. I have watched but one solitary episode of Game of Thrones, HBO’s sword-and-sorcery series, but that was enough to know that the show is just shy of porn itself. I think there were at least three sex scenes in the premiere, and those were just to let you know that the characters were dirty, dirty people they were perfectly happy to kill kids while they were fucking, or have sex with their family members. I feel like there might be sex with a dragon somewhere down the line, but I gave up on the books after three and the show after one episode, so I’m not sure. I am surprised it took the industry three years to come up with a porn parody of it, and I regret now not having spent that three years watching Game of Thrones, because I think there are probably jokes I’m not getting. Granted, the jokes I did get were funny enough that I was cracking up at my desk and distracting the rest of the office and this is the first time I have seen an episode of the show that they have not, so I am sure they were all appropriately jealous. There’s not a lot of plot here a few nods in dialogue to the show, which, while funny, are clearly not meant to carry any kind of weight. The first scene is a visit to the whorehouse by the podgy Podrick (sent by Tyrion Lannister to find out WTF?), who I am given to understand is the squire of the dwarf Tyrion. Parts of the scene are played for laughs, with Podrick naming the positions they engage in, culminating in Winter is coming all over your face! Bailey Blue, as the blonde whore, gets into her role, hamming it up a little and clearly enjoying herself, as well as giving a really amazing blowjob to start off the scene.

  She doesn’t enjoy herself nearly as much as Tommy Pistol does, and if she was hamming it up, he is using an entire herd of pigs. Tommy, as Robb Stark, the boring and doomed pretty boy king (I didn’t stick with the show, but I read enough of the books to remember that), chews all the available scenery in his appearance, banging the also doomed Talisa, played ably and also with a sense of humor by Dana DeArmond; eventually, he comes in her face while having her repeat You’re the King of the North! Both he and Dana definitely liked getting to play characters like these, and their chemistry is good both of them really throw themselves into the sex and their roles.

  There are a couple of expository scenes, including some clever crossdressing from Audrey Palmer as young Joffrey Baratheon, a conversation between Margaery and Cersei (Aaliyah Love and Tanya Tate) about why anyone would want to marry him, and some banter between Daenerys and Jorah, and then a solo scene from April O’Neil as a Tight Walker, an ashen zombie creature who might be a danger to Jon Snow and Ygritte (James Deen and Claire Robbins) if she didn’t stop to masturbate. At least Claire lets her get off before shooting her. The Walker’s wanking gets Ygritte in the mood, though, and she and James after a little banter which is much less clever than the rest of the dialogue in the movie so far, get it on on the stone floor. (If you like James Deen and I understand people do or Claire Robbins, you’ll love this scene, because it goes on and on and on and on.)

  Daenerys Stormborn (Annika Albrite), Khaleesi and MILF of Dragons (yes, they did), is looking for some help from Daario (Aaron Wilcoxxx); she shows him her army (which we don’t see) and her dragons (which we do see, in the absolutely hilarious form of a pair of kittens superimposed on a background of clouds I swear, I pulled a muscle laughing), but he requires some convincing even though she has the goddamn dragons right there (They could be knockoffs I once met a man with a pet dragon; he convinced me to touch it. It turned out to be his penis.), so after dismissing Jorah, who departs lamenting his fate as the most cockblocked character in fiction, she takes the obvious route of proving herself in the traditional trial by blowjob. These two also really get into their roles, playing it straight with a wink here and there.

  After another bit of exposition involving a pretty funny sight gag with a raven and some news about the infamous White Wedding (you’ll see), Margaery and Cersei (played by Aaliyah Love and Tanya Tate respectively) share a moment of queen-on-whatever action when Cersei gets so hot at the bad news that she can’t keep from masturbating. These two put on a good show, although the scene is, if possible, even more superfluous than the rest of them. Also, bizarrely, although Tate is the only person in this movie actually from the UK, her accent is very nearly the least convincing (everyone tries, with mixed results, but at least they try).

  Sometimes low-budget is bad for a movie; I have seen any number of parodies that were clearly just made to cash in on the trend, and they can be intolerable and unwatchable. On the other hand, throwing money at a movie isn’t any guarantee of quality. While Game of Bones couldn’t possibly even begin to compete with its inspiration in terms of budget, director Myers was smart enough to make a virtue of the lack of cash, resulting in some great sight gags the kittens as dragons in particular, but here are several other spots where budget constraints make for great jokes, and they didn’t bother to edit out the obvious sound of a plane going overhead in Daenerys big scene (I expected a joke about dragons, but didn’t get one). Most of the sex is topnotch, and the sex that’s not is still pretty good. All in all, I’d say come for the jokes, stay for the porn.


Game of Bones

You may also like